You Don’t Know My Skills

Liz Lemon
Damn, looks like Liz Lemon, the best lizard ever, went to The Picture People or got Glamour Shots at Prince George’s Plaza. NO. I took that shit. Beat these lizard glamification skills.

P.S. Sorry for the long absence from posting. I finally got a new job this summer and had to defrag my brain in order to acclimate to the unfamiliar terrain that is job satisfaction. If you came here exclusively to read posts about my lower rectum island of a former job and its turd king, my former boss, unfortunately the trajectory of my career path has changed. I think this blog will mostly be about hiking now.

Easy Craft Project of the Day

Build a LightboxMany people sell things online for fun or to supplement their income, but few of those people seem to realize the importance of good photography in their product listings. Check out this guide to building your own lightbox from Handmadeology. There are some Photoshop steps involved, but they are very easy to follow. If Photoshop has too high a price tag for you, I recommend downloading GIMP for free, or asking your sketchy neighbor to bootleg you a copy. Everyone wishes they had an Asian pirate roommate like I do, but sometimes you must be resourceful all on your own.

I like this person’s idea because it is pretty inexpensive. Decent 50″ tripods can be bought for as little as $10-$15 at Amazon or Best Buy. A DSLR camera isn’t a total necessity for a project like this one; I got through two college-level photography classes on a Nikon Coolpix that was full of beach sand. In my humble opinion, I think you should skip using your iPhone for a project like this one. Everyone can tell an iPhone photo, even especially with the Instagram filter.

BUY IT NOW.

Nerf Vortex Football

The Vortex Football is the best $15 you will spend all summer. Better than the tarp you put into your truck bed and filled with water. Better than the wrench that you used to pry open the fire hydrant in front of your house. Better than the baby raft you duct taped mesh into so that you could float beers in the public pool. Better than the frisbee you rendered unusable by supergluing glow sticks to in hopes of playing Ultimate at night. Probably not better than this, but still tremendous by all standards of summer fun.

This magnificent piece of top heavy molded foam will turn any sportstard into a Spartan warrior. AND it whistles, but not loudly enough that your victims will be aware that they have been targeted by a projectile football dart until it is too late. AND it comes in awesome bright colors so that your blind ass won’t miss any plays. AND if you go to the poor part of town it will probably be $13 instead of $15 like it is on this bourgeois Toys R Us money separating vehicle.

This thing is so aerodynamic that I threw it by its tail into a drop kick and it still sailed into a perfect spiral. It fits perfectly in my tiny unergonomic woman-hand, yet is not degrading for a man to be seen playing with. If you prefer regular footballs, I suggest you stock up now since they will soon be obsolete.

The Sunday Chef

meatballsWelcome to another installment of “Awesome Shit That I Cooked Recently.” I managed to crank these kick-ass barbecue meatballs out last week before my landlord stole my oven.

You know I like to make foods on the weekend that can last me all week.  I triumphantly(?) quit my night job this week, but I will probably still make all of my food on Sunday to allow for more sitting on my ass during weeknights.
 
 
 
Turkey Jalapeno Meatballs with BBQ Sizzurp

– 1 Package (20 oz.) Ground Turkey (jive turkey)

– 2 Tbsp. Olive Oil (this time, don’t buy the cheap shit)

– 1 Egg, Beaten (similar in fashion to a red-headed stepchild)

– 1/3 Cup Italian Bread Crumbs (preferably made from real Italians)

– Three Green Onions, Chopped

– One Medium Sized Jalapeño, Chopped

– Sriracha to Taste

– Old Bay to Taste (if you are from Maryland or are awesome enough to own Old Bay anyway.)

Directions

    1. Preheat the oven to 350°F (or 175°C, if you are like my roommate and think you are European). Grease a 9×13 inch baking dish or sheet pan with the olive oil. Or use tinfoil and Pam Cooking Spray, with your broke ass.
    2. In a medium bowl, mix together all of the ingredients using your dirty immigrant hands. Form the meat into golf ball sized meatballs. Place about 1 inch apart in the baking dish.
    3. Bake for 15 minutes in the preheated oven, then turn them over, and continue baking for about 5 more minutes, or until somewhat crispy on the outside. Or be like me and bake for 20 minutes without flipping.  I lived.

BBQ Sizzurp

– 1 (32 ounce) jar grape jelly

– 2 (12 ounce) jars chili sauce (such as Heinz Chili Sauce)

– 1 pinch cayenne pepper (optional)

Directions

    1. In a pot combine the grape jelly with the chili sauce; add in the cooked meatballs and simmer for about 45 minutes uncovered or until sauce has thickened.
    2. Gloat.

Source: AllRecipes
Source: Food.com

I (Still) Like Birds

ESomebody who thought I was homeless tossed me $25, so I saw Eels with some friends last night at 9:30 Club. Although I didn’t get an autograph on the pretend gig poster I made for Eels as a school project in 2010 (weak!), it was a great time. Nicole Atkins and Puddles Pity Party opened. I enjoyed Nicole Atkins but Puddles and his monkey lady friend terrified the shit out of me. Since I work as a graphic design monkey for a series of Italian overlords, anything remotely resembling a Pulcinella makes me want to reach for the Xanax. However, in spite of appearances, credit needs to be given to Puddles for his beautiful singing voice.

Eels is amazing for a lot of reasons besides willingness to color coordinate matching Adidas tracksuits. E just keeps changing his style and getting better all of the time. Throughout the show he lauded his band for their performances, and we received three encores. Their set list was great-I only wish I could have heard “I Like Birds” live. Oh well, I am sure that E is tired of every female on the planet asking to hear that song.

I really enjoy 9:30 Club as a venue, but last night they did this weird thing where they used the guard rail for the stage as a cattle catcher to push all of us towards the door after the show. The guys leading the bum’s rush even ridiculed my friend for jumping out of the way. It might have bothered me less if I had been able to duck out of the way as well; some immovable hipsters behind me were deep in conversation and somehow didn’t realize that I was being squished against them in an effort to not lose any toes. Weird. If anyone from my five followers knows any staff at 9:30 Club, perhaps you can request that they wait a full five minutes after the show ends next time before they start the plow.

My photos aren’t great since I was using my Cybershot, but here they are in case you want to be able to recognize Puddles in a dark alley.

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