You Don’t Know My Skills

Liz Lemon
Damn, looks like Liz Lemon, the best lizard ever, went to The Picture People or got Glamour Shots at Prince George’s Plaza. NO. I took that shit. Beat these lizard glamification skills.

P.S. Sorry for the long absence from posting. I finally got a new job this summer and had to defrag my brain in order to acclimate to the unfamiliar terrain that is job satisfaction. If you came here exclusively to read posts about my lower rectum island of a former job and its turd king, my former boss, unfortunately the trajectory of my career path has changed. I think this blog will mostly be about hiking now.

Duh

Boss-powerWHY ARE JOB FAIRS ALWAYS HELD ON WEEKDAYS?

Certainly I don’t speak for everyone, but maybe some of us are presently employed and just trying to hatch an escape plan, except we used up all of the so-called PTO (that it took us an entire beleaguered year to earn) on obscure holidays such as “Christmas” and “New Year’s.”

Easy Craft Project of the Day

Build a LightboxMany people sell things online for fun or to supplement their income, but few of those people seem to realize the importance of good photography in their product listings. Check out this guide to building your own lightbox from Handmadeology. There are some Photoshop steps involved, but they are very easy to follow. If Photoshop has too high a price tag for you, I recommend downloading GIMP for free, or asking your sketchy neighbor to bootleg you a copy. Everyone wishes they had an Asian pirate roommate like I do, but sometimes you must be resourceful all on your own.

I like this person’s idea because it is pretty inexpensive. Decent 50″ tripods can be bought for as little as $10-$15 at Amazon or Best Buy. A DSLR camera isn’t a total necessity for a project like this one; I got through two college-level photography classes on a Nikon Coolpix that was full of beach sand. In my humble opinion, I think you should skip using your iPhone for a project like this one. Everyone can tell an iPhone photo, even especially with the Instagram filter.

BUY IT NOW.

Nerf Vortex Football

The Vortex Football is the best $15 you will spend all summer. Better than the tarp you put into your truck bed and filled with water. Better than the wrench that you used to pry open the fire hydrant in front of your house. Better than the baby raft you duct taped mesh into so that you could float beers in the public pool. Better than the frisbee you rendered unusable by supergluing glow sticks to in hopes of playing Ultimate at night. Probably not better than this, but still tremendous by all standards of summer fun.

This magnificent piece of top heavy molded foam will turn any sportstard into a Spartan warrior. AND it whistles, but not loudly enough that your victims will be aware that they have been targeted by a projectile football dart until it is too late. AND it comes in awesome bright colors so that your blind ass won’t miss any plays. AND if you go to the poor part of town it will probably be $13 instead of $15 like it is on this bourgeois Toys R Us money separating vehicle.

This thing is so aerodynamic that I threw it by its tail into a drop kick and it still sailed into a perfect spiral. It fits perfectly in my tiny unergonomic woman-hand, yet is not degrading for a man to be seen playing with. If you prefer regular footballs, I suggest you stock up now since they will soon be obsolete.

The Grand Illusion

The Grand Illizion

But don’t be fooled by the radio
The TV or the magazines
They show you photographs of how your life should be
But they’re just someone else’s fantasy
So if you think your life is complete confusion
Because you never win the game
Just remember that it’s a Grand illusion
And deep inside we’re all the same.

Don’t let someone else’s good fortune undermine your self worth.